Dating culture is full of familiar one-liners—ones we rarely stop to question, even as we absorb them, live by them, and let them shape how we show up in love. They're catchy, clean, and conveniently reassuring. But what if some of those comforting narratives are silently sabotaging the way we show up in dating, relationships, and even within ourselves?
In this article, we’ll explore five taboo thoughts. They might stir up discomfort or even trigger some defensiveness, and that’s completely natural. But they also have the potential to rewire how we think about dating, helping us to lead with more intention, clarity, and connection.
1. “Your partner should push you to be the best version of you.”
This one sounds inspiring… until it isn’t.
Research shows that we are the average of the five people we spend the most time with and our close relationships absolutely influence our behaviours and choices (Christakis & Fowler, 2009). But relying on your partner as a primary source of motivation can unintentionally become a way to outsource accountability.
A more grounding question may be: Am I showing up as the person I desire to be, with or without a partner?
Healthy partnerships support your growth, not manufacture it. When we start to see our partner as a crutch for self-improvement, we risk becoming complacent in our own journey.
2. “Your twenties are for fun, not for a serious relationship.”
This might feel liberating, but it’s also misleading.
While your twenties are often painted as the era for wild freedom and experimentation, developmental psychology offers a more nuanced take. Identity doesn’t just “form” once in childhood—it evolves across the life span. Erik Erikson noted that young adulthood (roughly 20s to early 30s) is a critical phase for intimacy versus isolation, where we explore forming deep connections (Erikson, 1950).
So yes—your twenties are about exploration. But what you explore matters. Avoiding relationships altogether under the guise of “freedom” can sometimes mean avoiding emotional labour, introspection, and relational accountability. Dating during this decade teaches you what you value, what you avoid, and how you show up when things get hard. Its where relational templates are unconsciously built.
3. “There’s so many fish in the sea.”
Modern dating has made human connection disposable.
With just one swipe, someone can be dismissed, bookmarked, or idealized. But convenience comes with a cost of decreased emotional investment. The accessibility of dating apps has ironically created a culture of emotional avoidance. According to a 2023 study, 40% of adults aged 21–34 report increased loneliness and decreased satisfaction in romantic relationships despite more opportunities to meet people (Twenge, 2023).
Why? Because dating has become transactional. Many of us are overwhelmed by options (a phenomenon known as the paradox of choice), which makes it harder to commit. We chase the illusion of "better" while never fully building intimacy with what’s in front of us.
And the scariest part? This culture of swiping may be rewiring our brains to equate discomfort with incompatibility—when sometimes, discomfort is just the cost of growth.
4. “If (He/She/They) wanted to, they would.”
Yes… and also, not always.
Sometimes, a person’s lack of action really is the answer. But other times, this phrase cuts off the possibility of nuance, conversation, or understanding. Emotional needs are often complex and miscommunicated. What looks like apathy could be anxiety. What sounds like avoidance might be a trauma response.
When we find ourselves hurt, we often react—not reflect. But beneath every reaction is a desire. A desire to feel heard, seen, considered. So instead of defaulting to this statement, pause and ask yourself: What did I need in that moment, and did I ever clearly communicate it?
Whether or not the relationship continues, this reflection reveals something precious—what you value, what you fear, and what you’re ready to claim for yourself.
5. “If you and your partner keep getting into the same arguments, then it’s time to leave.”
Repeated arguments often signal something deeper than poor communication—they reveal competing narratives. In relationships, we’re not just reacting to the other person—we’re reacting to our own story. Childhood wounds, subconscious beliefs, and unspoken expectations all show up in the heat of conflict.
Many couples aren’t fighting about the issue itself; they’re fighting about what the issue represents. For one person, a forgotten text may mean “I’m not important.” For the other, it’s just forgetfulness.
According to Dr. Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, conflict is often a protest against disconnection (Johnson, 2019). It may help to consider that the things we become most defensive about are often the things we hold most precious—what we’re trying to protect, preserve, or keep connected to. What if, instead of retreating or attacking, we leaned in with curiosity? Shifting to, “What did this bring up for you?” compared to, “Why are you always like this?”
When both partners are willing to unpack their personal narratives, repeated arguments become bridges, not barriers.
“But what now?”
If any of these hit close to home, you might be wondering where to go from here. Here are a few points to consider as you continue your journey of love and connection:
You and your partner are a team.
A disagreement isn’t about winning, it’s about understanding. Imagine yourself and your partner sitting on the same side of the table, looking at the problem together—not at each other.
A lack of transparency breeds contempt.
What often looks like “poor communication” is really unspoken expectations, assumptions, or fears. Left unchecked, these morph into contempt—one of the biggest predictors of divorce and break-ups, according to relationship expert Dr. John Gottman (Gottman & Silver, 2015). Contempt is a silent killer that thrives on the ego’s desire to be right instead of real.
Examine the narrative.
We all carry stories about love, worthiness, conflict, gender roles, and what relationships are supposed to look like. Ask yourself:
What story am I telling myself about this person?
Where did that story come from?
Is this about them, or is it about a part of me I haven’t yet explored?
Final Thoughts
Relationships are not just emotional. They are neurological, spiritual, and psychological grounds for growth. These five “taboo” thoughts may go against mainstream dating advice, but they just might lead you closer to a confrontational truth about love—that the most magnetic, meaningful love, starts with you.
- Christakis, N. A., & Fowler, J. H. (2009). Connected: The Surprising Power of Our Social Networks and How They Shape Our Lives. Little, Brown Spark.
- Erikson, E. H. (1950). Childhood and Society. W. W. Norton & Company.
- Twenge, J. M. (2023). Generations: The Real Differences Between Gen Z, Millennials, Gen X, Boomers, and Silents—and What They Mean for America’s Future. Atria Books.
- Johnson, S. (2019). Attachment Theory in Practice: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) with Individuals, Couples, and Families. Guilford Press.
- Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony.
