Understanding Boundaries: A Key to Healthy Relationships

Boundaries are a fundamental part of relationships. Whether with a partner, friend, or family member, the ability to set and respect boundaries can impact how supported, seen, and comfortable we feel.

This article explores what boundaries are, how they appear, why they’re essential for healthy relationships, and how to set them.

1. What are Boundaries - and Why Do They Matter?

Personal boundaries are the rules we set for ourselves within relationships that define what we are comfortable with – emotionally, physically, and mentally. Everyone’s boundaries are different, as they’re unique to a person’s comfort level (Rosenberger, 2011). 

Our well-being is closely linked to the health of our relationships (Braithwaite & Holt-Lunstad, 2017).  When boundaries are respected by others, we feel safe, valued, and comfortable. In contrast, when they are crossed, or when we struggle to set them, it’s common to experience stress, resentment, or emotional exhaustion. To prioritize your well-being and create the conditions for mutually respectful and fulfilling relationships, boundaries must be set. 

2. The Different Types of Boundaries

The types of boundaries we have are determined by our history, personality, and unique needs. In general, boundaries tend to fall into three categories: rigid, porous, and healthy (Chernata, 2024). 

Rigid Boundaries

Rigid boundaries tend to keep others at a distance, both physically or emotionally. These can manifest in avoiding intimacy, not seeking help, and feeling isolated or detached. The goal is often to prevent rejection by keeping others out.

• Avoid emotional or physical closeness
• Rarely ask for help, even when needed
• May feel isolated, misunderstood, or disconnected

Porous Boundaries

Porous boundaries involve difficulty saying “no,” often at one’s own expense. These lead to over dependencies on others, and acceptance of harsh treatment to avoid rejection, often by sacrificing your own needs.

• Frequently say “yes” out of guilt, fear, or obligation
• Accepts mistreatment or overextends them self to avoid rejection
• Often feel emotionally drained, or taken advantage of

Healthy Boundaries

Healthy boundaries strike a balance: they are flexible, self-aware, and grounded in mutual respect. Healthy boundaries keep you open to connection and compromise while keeping your own personal needs in mind. 

• Clearly communicates needs and limits without guilt
• Open to feedback without sacrificing self respect
• Balances connection and independence with self care

3. How Boundaries Impact Relationship Health

Boundaries don’t just protect your well-being, they provide a foundation for relationships and promote their sustainability. When boundaries are healthy, they allow for growth and provide an environment of trust and respect. But when they’re too rigid or porous, they can cause stress, confusion, or emotional strain. 

Below is how each type of boundary can appear in relationships - and why finding a healthy balance is so important (TherapistAid, 2016). 

Physical Boundaries - Personal space and physical touch

• Porous: Uncomfortable with touch but unsure how to say no
• Rigid: Avoiding physical closeness, even when safe
• Healthy: Communicates and respects comfort level with physical space

Emotional Boundaries - Feelings and emotional connection

• Porous: Overshares or over absorbs others’ emotions
• Rigid: Avoids vulnerability and emotional expression
• Healthy: Shares feelings with balance and emotional clarity

Intellectual Boundaries - Thoughts, beliefs, and opinions

• Porous: Struggles to voice personal opinions
• Rigid: Dismissive of different perspectives
• Healthy: Open to other views while honouring your own

Sexual Boundaries - Sexual expression and intimacy

• Porous: Ignoring comfort level to please partner
• Rigid: Avoids conversations or expressions of sexual needs
• Healthy: Communicates comfort, limits, and desires openly

Material Boundaries - Possessions, and belongings

• Porous: Shares to their own detriment
• Rigid: Does not share, even when appropriate
• Healthy: Shares thoughtfully with clear limits

Time Boundaries - How you spend and prioritize your time

• Porous: Overcommits and neglects personal time
• Rigid: Unwilling to adjust schedule or make time for others
• Healthy: Balances personal time and time with others with open communication

4. How to Set Boundaries (Even When It’s Hard)

Setting boundaries isn’t easy, especially if you were never taught how to identify or communicate them. It’s common to worry about seeming selfish, hurting someone’s feelings, or facing rejection. But, like any other skill, boundary setting becomes more manageable with practice. Here’s how to start:

1. Tune into your Feelings

Paying attention to when you feel drained or uncomfortable in a relationship can offer valuable insight into what isn’t working for you. Feeling resentment or emotional fatigue often signal that a boundary is being crossed. Once identifying areas of discomfort, ask yourself: What do I need to feel safe, respected, or balanced in this relationship? From here, decide what needs to change in order for you to feel comfortable.

2. Plan Ahead

Think about what you want to say, how you want to say it, and when. Preparing ahead of time can help to stay grounded, especially for difficult conversations.

3. Speak Your Needs Clearly and Unapologetically

You don’t need to justify, minimize, or over explain your boundaries. Simple statements that are both respectful and assertive are enough. You deserve to set limits without feeling guilty. 

‍If you’ve ever felt unheard, responsible for someone’s emotional well-being, unsure how to say “no,” or guilty for wanting space - you’re not alone. Many people struggle with setting boundaries, especially if they’ve been taught that setting limits is selfish or unkind.

Some people may push back when you start setting boundaries, especially if they’re used to different patterns. Staying consistent and reinforcing your limits, while difficult, shows that you value your own needs. The more you follow through, the more natural it becomes. 

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Final Thoughts

It can be a difficult and daunting task to set boundaries. They can bring up feelings of guilt, selfishness, or self-doubt if you aren’t used to putting your needs first. But, it’s important to remember that boundaries aren’t selfish: they’re a form of self-care that are crucial to protecting yourself and your relationships. 

It takes courage to say, “This is what I need,” especially in relationships where unhealthy patterns have been normalized. Remember: setting boundaries is a process. It won’t always be perfect, and it’s okay to adjust as you grow.

If someone repeatedly dismisses or disrespects your boundaries, it may be a sign to re-evaluate the relationship. You deserve to feel safe, heard, and supported.

Ultimately, boundaries are deeply personal. What’s comfortable for one person may not be for another - and that’s okay. The goal is to create relationships that honour who you are and give you space to thrive.

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